Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
You Might Also Like
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”