New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
It’s a gift
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”