My neck, my back, my…
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
TRAIN’S HERE
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?