Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
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How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.