My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
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*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho