[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.