Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider: