I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
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[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Siri, fight Alexa.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries