[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
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my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I am having an out of money experience.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.