Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
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[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!