“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard