current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
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i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Cause of death: Zumba
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!