My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
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I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
nyc:
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “