If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
PLEASE READ
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.