Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
She: I like Cats
He:
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny