A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
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I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.