[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
🤭😂
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD