This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
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Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”