Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola