Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”