I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”