I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.