Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
You Might Also Like
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
He’s dead
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back