My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Why are bridges so flammable.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
This was the best day of my life
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?