[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
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Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Watson was Holmes schooled
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Great game to play with friends
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.