My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Just grow your own
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.