When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
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The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
this is the best interaction on twitter
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling