Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared