*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
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Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Planet of the Apps.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
it’s the silliest best thing
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.