Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Print is alive and well!!!
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“That’s what” – She
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake