friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
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Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?