where do you see yourself in five years?
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
#JohnTravolta
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”