I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
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sleeping beauty
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
never forget
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days