Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..