*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”