Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
first you must answer his riddles
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.