If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Optional boss fight.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.