Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
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ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.