me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
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Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Going to church you guys need anything
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
? 💀
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.