Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
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*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
ready to be harvested
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch