Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
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The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Every. Damn. Time.
Can’t stop laughing
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
*mops up wine with cat*
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.