[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
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Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”