If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
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Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Wait for it
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”