Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Horrifying if literal: arm candy