God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
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A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.