A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Sunday
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary