My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
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I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I only treason on days ending in y
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Stick it to the man
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.