My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.