what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Ladies, why y’all do this?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
girls literally only want one thing..
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.