*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
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Me, in DM rooms…
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Namaste
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.